🔗 Share this article

In the run-up to Christmas, I experienced an unusual incident. I feel it was beneficial for me. This occurred at a get-together of several mates, who are, as it happens tooth doctors, but this isn't important. The assembled group were solely men, which turns out to be significant.

An Unfamiliar Scenario

The venue was a bar and eatery enjoying a excellent custom. A wasted daytime was enjoyed by everyone. Good cuisine, good drink and surprisingly entertaining tales about oral health. As expected, the point came for excursions to the gents. Those who went, I partially registered, appeared to be away a considerable while. I didn’t dwell on the reason this might have been, but when it became my turn, all became clear.

Upon turning the bend, and what should I find but a sizeable procession for the gentlemen’s toilet. An empty space for the ladies' room, but a considerable queue for the men’s. What bizarre turn was this? This was not a reality any of us in this gathering knew.

A Taste of Everyday Life

To be perfectly clear, I neither court nor expect pity from any female reader here. I am obviously cognizant that, for females, having to queue to use a public toilet is standard practice. On countless occasions have I seen women queuing in a row while men in the same establishment have to do the opposite?

Beyond the hassle of standing in line to use a toilet, there’s a whiff of humiliation about standing there, anticipating something that men typically don’t have to endure. It was profoundly bracing to get a taste of it myself, seeing the women glide through the entrance while I was compelled to wait patiently in queue with my companions, looking distractedly at whatever we had in our jackets and consulting our mobile devices.

The Practice of Lavatory Queue Chitchat

There’s a whole conversational genre here – toilet queue chitchat – of which men have little experience. Women, I presume, have developed skills to be fairly skilled at it, engaging in small talk and an engaging insight or two.

About this topic I’ve consulted some women of my knowledge. The consensus is that within-the-line communication is confined to the occasional eye roll and the comment: “Fuck this, I’m going to use the gents'.” A workmate mentioned it’s only at the washbasins later that chat tends to break out.

If I was a lady, I’d waste no time on both niceties or reticence. If I was compelled, over and over, to queue in a common queue merely for the chance to use the toilet, I’d rant angrily like there was no tomorrow at the sheer unfairness of it. A useful benchmark for any civilised community would be equal waiting times in wee waiting times. I’m looking for research on this.

Male Chat in the Line

Returning to my queue, I tried to initiate some friendly chat started about this novel circumstance of ours. I tutted a bit, showed exasperation and remarked something like: “Well, this represents an irksome variation, right lads?”

A fellow chuckled, a second seemed nonplussed, a other man appeared embarrassed. Yet another gave a dismissive wave as if this was one more example of a failing society, cultural decline etc. Aside from that, quiet prevailed. A man exited, adjusting his clothing. The queue shuffled up a place. Another two men entered the end of it. I sighed.

A Knowing Moment

A lady glided out of the next-door toilet, all fresh and at ease. It was perfectly okay for some. I smiled sheepishly at her, endeavouring to convey recognition of this reversed scenario. Her response was: “Don't turn to me for solidarity, you blighter. Come back when you’ve done this on a regular basis and only then I could give you the courtesy.”

Actually, she did not utter that. She uttered anything. But I am convinced that’s what she was implying. And I truly would not blame her.